As part of our human experience, we will have both positive and negative emotions. Many of us prefer the positive variety and believe we do not have a problem feeling them. The negative emotions though, whew! SPOILER ALERT: the negative emotions are not going anywhere. In fact, I would propose that you and I will experience them about half of the time. I know that does not sound very encouraging, but it is good news!
How is it good news? Opposites require one another; this is known as contrast. It is our exposure to negative emotions that makes feeling positive emotions possible. We could not know happiness without sorrow/sadness. We could not appreciate health without illness. We could not know excitement without disappointment. We NEED negative emotions in our life to appreciate their opposite.
When faced with negative emotions, people typically respond in one of four ways:
RESIST. REACT. AVOID. ALLOW.
Have you ever tried to hold a beach ball underwater? That is what RESISTING an emotion feels like. Sure, you can do it, but it’s exhausting. Eventually, the ball wins and comes popping up from under the water with some force behind it.
More examples of resisting:
“I am fine, really, I don’t want to talk about it.” “If I just ignore it and keep it hidden, maybe it will go away.” All the while your emotions are festering and then hours, days, weeks, months (even years) later, you explode. Has that ever happened to you?
If you have children, or ever spent time around them, you have certainly seen them REACT to their emotions by yelling, slamming doors, hitting, and throwing fits. Some adults do it too! Reacting is when we push against the emotion, dramatize things, or freak out. Guilt can also be a reaction to emotions.
AVOIDING is perhaps the most common. You sense the emotion but immediately try to dull it, typically with some self-destructive behavior (sweet/salty foods, alcohol, drugs, overworking, binge watching television, etc.). These behaviors have a net negative consequence and ultimately work against you.
ALLOWING is the process of taking control of your emotions, rather than being controlled by them. Feeling frustrated, disappointed, or angry is not a problem. The problem is never an emotion. ALL emotions have a positive purpose. It is what we do because of the emotion that can create problems for our relationships with others and the relationship, we have with ourselves.
When we allow negative emotions from a place of compassion for ourselves, we gain authority over them. When we resist, react, or attempt to avoid them, we suffer.
Well Anthony, what does allowing an emotion look like? It looks like doing nothing in comparison to the other strategies. Do you have the ability to feel what you are feeling without trying to make it go away?
Here are 3 steps you can begin using today:
Name the feeling.
“I feel sad. I feel frustrated. I feel humiliated.” Relax into it and breathe.
Describe the feeling.
Become the watcher and observe the feeling in your body. Notice as many things as you can.
- What does it feel like?
- Where do you feel it in your body?
- Is there a certain color associated with it?
- What adjectives would you use?
- What is the worst part about this emotion?
Bring awareness to the source.
” I am feeling (emotion) because of sentences in my mind. This is (emotion). This is what (emotion) feels like. I am feeling (emotion) because of a sentence in my mind.”
If you are willing to feel your emotions, you will get access to the thoughts that are causing the emotion. When you ignore, suppress, or deny emotion, it blocks you from important information your emotions are trying to communicate to you. Be willing to stay in the feeling and notice the thought that is causing it. Do not try to change it. Allow it to be there until you have felt it all the way through. There is no hurry.
You may be wondering “why not just change what you are thinking so you can get back to more positive emotions?” Well, allowing your feelings is not just about negative emotions. As you increase your awareness of all your feelings, you not only gain control over them, but you also increase your ability to FEEL. That includes the positive ones, too.
There is nothing that you cannot face if you can learn and practice the skill of allowing emotions. Feel your emotions, all of them, and be willing to feel them on purpose.
Work with a coach who can help you with habit change today! You deserve to be your best self!