Here is an unfiltered truth: We fear change because we cannot predict the outcome. Try that on and see how it feels for you.
Staying put (stagnation) can be riskier than changing. Whether it is in your career, relationship, or life in general – you risk being left behind if you do not continue to grow and evolve. The paradox is that although we reject uncertainty, we have the skills to change and evolve. Fear is an emotion that gets in the way – we lose clarity about our potential.
Circling back to the paradox, we are hardwired to resist uncertainty – our brain/body prefers a predictable outcome over an uncertain one. On the other hand, our mind is flexible and adaptive – it can be trained to thrive in change. Have you ever heard this saying?
FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real
Our fear is based on stories – both real and imagined – we tell ourselves. We narrate our lives as if they are out of our control. Your life is not a book written by others; you create your own storyline. The fact that most outcomes are out of your control does NOT mean you cannot play a more active role.
If you want a different outcome, start by changing your mentality. You are not just a character; you are the author of your life. The best way to predict the future, is to create it.
Stories: Why We Fear Change
- Uncertainty feeds our fears.
Your brain likes being in control. The hunger for certainty is one of the brain’s five functions. Uncertainty generates a strong alert response in our limbic system (the part of the brain involved in our behavioral and emotional responses); that is why we worry. That is why we speculate; we would rather create a fictional story than not know what will happen.
- Accepting life’s impermanence makes us suffer too.
We have a challenging time moving on. When a job or a relationship – even your favorite time of the year – is over, we get stuck. We keep rehashing old stories instead of opening our minds to what is next. Embracing impermanence counteracts the negative cycles of rumination. When we accept that every story in life has an ending, we can relax into the present moment and savor new experiences.
- Our fear of failure also feeds our aversion to change.
Striving for perfectionism can have the opposite effect. When we are under pressure, we make more mistakes. To become the author of your life starts by reframing your relationship with uncertainty, impermanence, and perfectionism.
Here are some steps you can use:
- A chapter is not the entire book.
To start a new chapter in your life, you must finish one first. Sometimes we resist the end of a particular phase in our lives – we confuse the chapter with the book. You can draft endless stories in your life. Leave room for new chapter – move on from past stories.
- Your storyline is full of choices.
When you approach life as a writer, you start seeing possibilities. You learn to put expectations aside and focus on what you can control. Become the creator of your plot, not just a spectator. Your life is not the product of your circumstances; it is the product of your choices.
- Embrace being imperfect.
The first paragraph is the most difficult. It takes courage to cross the line of uncertainty. Hemingway said, “the first draft of anything is sh*t.” Hemingway kept track of his daily progress on a wall. He was not just talented – he was committed to writing every day.
- You cannot control others.
Great movie characters – just like real people – have a life of their own. A screenwriter can define their names, lines, and personalities. However, once actors start playing their characters, they will take a life of their own. They follow their instincts, not the script. If you want people to give you their best, set them free.
- Be ready for unexpected twists.
Even the best authors suffer from writer’s block. They know they must try something different. The same applies to you, as the author of your life. Experiment. Change your routine. Go for a walk if you feel stuck. Do something outside your comfort zone. If you want a different outcome, you must do something different.
- Failure is a stop, not a destination.
Not every chapter or episode will be successful; and that is okay. The beauty of life is that you can course correct. Richard Branson said, “in business, if you realize you have made a bad decision, you change it.” Do not feel frustrated about what did not go your way. Use that energy to write the next chapter. Remember, decisions are impermanent, just like life.
- Let go of your manuscript.
We fear the unexpected. However, most surprises in life become great memories. You cannot control your life. Write your script once scene at a time; do not anticipate the whole plot. Bring your ideas to the real world and see what happens. Do not resist the unexpected – use it as feedback to live a memorable life.
Do not close the door to new chapters. When we want to protect ourselves from uncertainty, we lose awareness of the present moment. We stop enjoying what life gives us.
Avoid living on autopilot – every day is an opportunity to write a new chapter in your life. Thirty publishers rejected Stephen King’s novel Carrie before it was published. Do not give up and enjoy the ride.
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